I think this was a kiss on the cheek letting me know that love is coming. A sign from the universe or maybe my guardian angel… which I firmly believe is my grandmother on my Russian side of the family. She died of breast cancer when I was about 13. But it’s ok. I’ve always accepted it. That’s life and some things are just out of our own control. I use the darkest things in my life to inspire me to see some sort of light in the situation. But this is not the point of this post! Let me get back to the main point. SO if you have seen my youtube videos or blog posts you definitely know I’m a romantic most definitely. My ideas of love in general are very grand and beautiful in a deeply emotional and notebook fantasy kind of way. I believe Lana Del Rey once said, “Be in touch with your darkest desires.” I agree with this. Sometimes being in tuned with your real raw self will uncover the truth in many aspects of yourself and your heart. Many things are covered up in your heart or hidden to save you from destroying your dream; Your idea of happiness. My true idea of happiness is having a love that makes you feel like life is a living opportunity. Have you ever felt this way about your lover? I want to know. The only time I honestly ever felt this way was in middle school through freshman year of high school. I was living in texas at the time and I didn’t label myself as gay…yet. To hide from the truth I started to be infatuated with my best friend. My best friend was named Andrea and she was the most radiant beautiful girl I ever met in my life. I started to believe that I was in love with her. (In my mind) and I felt like I finally had a purpose to go to school every day. As silly as that sounds, I literally was the happiest knowing I would get to see her. Its ridiculous now because I’m one hundred and ten percent GAY. But this truly was the only time I loved someone unconditionally with all her flaws. I’ve never felt this way with my own gender before. I wonder why I haven’t got an opportunity to feel this way before with a boy. BUT today I felt a little hope. I was riding home from work on the train and out of NOWHERE a boy started staring at me. AT first I didn’t think NOTHING of it. He looked wayy to straight and let me tell you that I have impeccable gaydar. He was very cute/handsome looking, strong masculine facial features, tan skin, my height about 5’11 and strong looking. I totally ignored the look because I didn’t even focus on it, but a little while passes and he comes up to sit right in FRONT of me. Now the story gets juicy…so he sits in front of me and again I don’t think nothing of it…until he smiles and stares right at me. I take off my headphones and smile back kind of laughing because I thought the situation was awkward. He is about 12 inches away from my face. (The seats are close) and He just says. “Wow you have the most beautiful smile.” Right then and there I just melted. His voice was DEEP too!!! I was very nervous and I’m NEVER nervous. Most of the time I’m the confident seductive type. Shoot, I make guys nervous because boys my own age never approach me. But for the first time in my life I felt hope that I can find love and I can have crushes just like I was younger. I was worried because never have I felt shy or nervous with a guy before. And I want that feeling. I want it more now knowing that I know exactly who I am.
P.S – Just because this happened doesn’t mean I’m going to pursue him lol, It was just a nice kiss on the cheek letting me know that I’m visible.
Everyone just wants to be special. Don’t let your darkness over cloud you and cover you up.
Xx- One True Boy